Hallowatch 2026 No. 30: Bordello of Blood (1996)

It seems there is no escape from Robert Zemeckis and Joel Silver. Sort of a proto-dark castle picture, this was a Tales From The Crypt movie. If you don't recall what Tales from the Crypt is, you'll need to excuse me as I crumble into dust in my apparently-advanced age.

That said, you could have told me this was a special feature-length episode of The Man Show and I'd believe you. I'm very curious when the tenor of everything changed that the sort of Hooters/Playboy aesthetic on display here (and inexpertly rendered in Evil Bong) no longer had a place — was it really just a thing 9/11 changed? Did the junior version of it, taking place in MAD/EC Comics/90s-and-00s video game adverts, go out of style and consequently killed the pipeline? Was it streaming video, where this sort of cheap titillation got displaced by widely available and largely free pornography?

For much of its runtime, it felt like it was riding a line of "ooh isn't this edgy and almost too horny to show on regular tv?" and then there was a fantasy sequence where it went over the line but with dialogue that was weirdly clinical. This felt long at 87 minutes, despite having cryptkeeper interludes.

The only person in this movie who turns in an actually good, capable performance was Chris Sarandon. Just give me 90 minutes of his Righteous Gemstones evangelical preacher next time.

Rewatch? No thank you.

Sequel? They did make three more of the Tales From The Crypt movies after this one; I'm in no rush to check them out, especially if they've got any additional Corey Feldman in them.

Remake? You can't polish a turd. ■

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