Antony and Cleopatra [1972]

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This was a slog of a movie. If you watched along, I owe you an apology. This was produced by the Rank Organisation, and let me tell you, it smelled pretty Rank indeed.

I don't know if it's just that tastes have shifted so severely since this premiered — the sword and sandals movies I came up on, Troy and its ilk, were much more of an action joint that whatever this was — or if this was always interminable (the then-contemporary reviews suggest that yes, this was a dud) but what a labor to even get through this.

Was there romance or comedy here? Wikipedia says there was, but did I see any? Truly no. The dialogue was aggressively mumbled through gritted teeth, Cleopatra was white, the sets looked like foam and fiberglass, the props looked like they were elementary-school-appropriate, the Romans AND Egyptians were mostly Brits in brownface, this was..... I'd say it's the worst one I've covered so far but that might legitimately be a toss up between this, McLintock! and The Hottie and the Nottie. I understand how and why the latter two were made. Who was clamoring for this one though?

I feel like I'm doing a lot of apologizing in this series, but I am putting you, the viewer who has foolishly listened to me and watched along, through A Lot of Crap, so it's warranted. I am trying to be positive throughout these - after all, they're online permanently with my name attached - but if this film had anything interesting to say, it was largely lost on me.

I can't even articulate a summary, fully —

Antony was in love with Cleopatra and not co-governing; the other governors didn't like that and conspired to return him to his duties through picking fights with random pirates in the Mediterranean; Antony had to leave, one of the other co-governors declares war on Antony;

[Unintelligible, 2h10m];

Antony thinks Cleopatra killed herself due to Familiar Shakespearean Messenger Shenanigans and kills himself. Cleopatra holds him as he dies and kills herself. Play sweeping epic music and roll credits.

The performances are so overwrought and scene-chewingly obtuse, combined with that great 1972 sound quality, that I was truly unable to parse the middle bulk of this movie any of the THREE times I watched it. Heston looks like he's sweating out a carton of nicotine every day. Hildegarde Neil is doing an impressively trash impression of Elizabeth Taylor's Cleopatra from the decade before. This was a calamity of a movie and thank god we're moving on to something else next week. What is it again? oh right. Julius Caesar. 1953. Great. At least Charlton Heston isn't in that one.

I'll be honest, I'm having doubts about the project at this point. I'm gonna tough it out through this month — Coriolanus and Titus, please be good? — but this was an exercise in tedium and if it keeps up I may just call it all off.

Thank you for sticking in there, I guess.

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